Do you wanna embarrass the hell out of yourself?

Do you want to stand there, looking at the slightly annoyed faces of your friends and colleagues? Do you want to take the stage for 20 minutes, reading an amazing speech that’s going to produce zero effect on anyone?

Well, use AI!

There is no better way to utterly ruin a party or a meeting than by saying: “I asked AI what it thinks about you, so here is its answer.”

Oh my, I’ve seen this scene too many times. The person whose birthday is being celebrated — or a renowned speaker — is standing by the stage, while some guy reads his speech. The speech is so bland and flattering that everyone’s already slightly embarrassed, and to make it worse, the reader tries to inject emotion and emphasis into certain words, making it even more awkward. He doesn’t actually say anything. In fact, everything he’s saying is already well-known by everyone in the room.

Listen: the purpose of a toast — or any speech like that — is to highlight the person you’re talking about. The best way to win that moment is to say something personal, something only you know about the person. Some anecdote from their life that shines a light on a good trait or quality they have.

You say something like: “All of you know Joe as a good leader. But you know, one day we went fishing and Joe found…”

Yes, your speech might still fall flat — especially if you’ve never tried or practiced it. A sense of tact is something you acquire by doing. AI won’t help here. Sure, things can go wrong. But they’ll go wrong in only a certain percentage of cases.

What will go wrong 100% of the time is a speech like this:

“Joe Jones is the renowned [blank] who has proven his skills in the [blank] field. He has shown us [blank] in his actions and…”

Guys. Really. I don’t want you to remember me by what’s written on my Wikipedia page (if I ever to have one). I want you to remember me by my actions — by what I’ve done to you and for you.

There are millions of versions of me living in your heads. Those who know me personally have a picture of me in their minds. They know me as a computer professional, a cook, an investor, or something else entirely. There are countless images of me in the minds of others.

The life of you will continue even when you’re not present.

Just make sure it’s not the life of a guy who always stands up and reads endless AI-generated slop at parties. That’s not a good life.